I’m at a crossroad in my life. My mom is suffering from the end stages of
dementia (A form of Alzheimers), and it has been quite difficult for my family and
siblings to see her at this stage. Whenever I see her, I get weak, and I want to break down in tears….as she
is but a shell of the vibrant woman I remember.
I think back to yester year when she was well. I think of the littlest of things like her
hands, and how pretty they were with long nails. My mother smoked many years
ago, so I remember her holding a cigarette between her delicate fingers, and
lifting it to her mouth. I remember the
gap between her two front teeth and how beautiful it looked when she smiled. I remember her laugh as she would talk on the
phone to her sister. She is no longer able to speak so I think of her sweet voice.
Many days when she would come home from work, my sister and
I would hope she had treats for us. If
any of you are from New York and are familiar with the 34th Street “Herald Square”
train station many years ago, you may remember the candy concession stand dead
center after you paid your token. My
mother would stop and get her favorite candy, “Jordan Almonds”. I remember this so clearly, they came in a
small white paper bag, and she would eat them on the way home while riding the
train. If there were any left my sister
and I would share them, Oh! How we loved
those little candies. I have many
memories that are so VERY precious to me.
I love you so much mommy, so very much. I’m crying as I type, as I am filled with
emotion. It has occurred to me that at
some point you may not remember me, BUT if you ever feel a slight wind pass your ear, just know it’s me whispering “I love you, and you will always be with
me….”
DDW
6 comments:
Very Heart Warming
Oh and one more thing! Years ago my grandmother told me "Life is about creating memories....so it's up to you to figure out what kind of memories you want to be apart of"....she was sweat but will kick Azz if necessary! I admire that....and carry her in me daily!
This strikes a cord with me. My grandmother began going thru this 10 yrears before she passed October of 2013. I recently watch the movie "Still Alice" about Early Onset Alzheimers and I bawled thru the entire film. This is a disease that hitting many folks even as early as in their 30s. It sad and scary! I often fell personally challenged when I forget small things...or easily get distracted. I recall when my grandmother said to me (during her lucid moments) that she knows that her memory is fading. She never ever showed me a weak side of her until that day....she cried a little. (We've been to funerals etc and I never witnessed her shed a tear until that day(. Broke my heart because I knew that what she was going thru was horrible....UNTIL....she really couldn't decipher much. It got to the point where she could not speak. She could not rememeber words to express herself. She would nod and point. When she passed a cried only a little....I loss my grandmother a few years before that. I would spend many days speaking about the past to her because that's all she identified with. She didn't recognized herself in the mirror. She said she knew me and I felt her spirit did.....but I could see in her eyes I was only a familiar face...not her 1st granddaughter......THATS THE DAY I CRIED THE MOST. Not in front of her....but when I left her that evening....I sat in my car and cried. But I kept visiting her....watching her stare into space....trying to understand what she was seeing or experiencing. She didn't want to do much....andi understood!
The timing of reading this at this moment, was perfect for me. Mommy will leave us with millions of beautiful memories (even the bad times, which were few). I know exactly how you feel about her hands. I have taken pictures of me holding her hands, because they are still just as beautiful now. I love you to the moon and back, mommy!
This was so beautiful Denise. I'm so saddened to read your pain. I can feel your pain, at the same time, I smiled at your sweet memories... I'll keep you all in my prayers. <3
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