Selfish. That’s how I
feel when I think to myself I want my mom out of this misery. It’s misery.
I’m waiting for my mother to
die.
It’s my family and I gathering
around her hospice bed, looking at her, crying over her, praying for her, and
feeling sorry for her. We touch her,
hold her hands, run our fingers through her course hair, and stroke her cheek. We play music from her hay day, hoping she
enjoys the melody, hoping they are bringing to life some memory inside of her,
hoping for a sign that she enjoys this time we are with her.
I randomly whisper in her ear “I love you”, “You were a
great mother to me”, “I’m right here next to you”, and “I’m sorry this had to
happen to you mommy”. I can no longer
expect a response, I can only tell her things in hopes that she can understand
what it is I am doing. Inconsolably, I’m waiting for my mother to die.
My nightmares are no longer of what’s under the bed, or what’s
hiding in the closet, or of when the boogie man will strike. My nightmare is not necessarily at
“night”. What I fear is my telephone ringing;
I fear what I may hear on the other end.
It is a waiting game, a horrible, atrocious, ghastly waiting game that I
cannot stop at my leisure.
My thoughts regarding my mother these days are not of the good
times, or the wonderful memories, unfortunately. My thoughts bring tears, pain, and extreme
panic. My thoughts cannot move past the
image of her lying in bed unable to effectively communicate with her loved
ones. My thoughts….
My primary parent is leaving this earth sooner than later,
and this feeling is foreign for me. I
don’t know what to expect. My life will no longer be the same. This experience has PERMANENTLY changed the
fabric of what the rest of my life will be. All I know is my mother, her voice,
her touch, her smile, her laugh, her smell, her mannerisms.
I am ANGRY! I am HURTING! I want to SCREAM!!!! HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WHAT DO I DO? There is absolutely nothing I can do, but “Wait for my mother to die…..”
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in
me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told
you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for
you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be
also.
7 comments:
Denise, I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this terrible time. Please know that I will pray for your Mom, you and your family. Love you girl.
As I pray for Miss Ellen, you, your sisters and family I reflect on two scriptures that I hope will bring you some comfort, strength and peace:
"Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with My victorious right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
"Let not your hearts be troubled; believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, would I have told you that I go and prepare a place for you? And when I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also."
John 14:1-3
I love you!!!
I pray God gives you peace in the midst of your pain. I pray His Holy Spirit comforts you. I pray that all the seeds of strength, courage and love your mom (Sarge) planted in you from the time you entered this realm will bloom right now as you read these words.
Small Town
Wow! You have summed up exactly how I’m feeling but could never put them as eloquently as you did. I call this pre-mourning…..just waiting for her to die. I love you baby girl!
Denise you and your family including your mom are in my prayers. I totally understand and I'm respectfully speechless; as no words I know how to tailor to comfort you. It's real...I've been there as you know. I get it. Never apologize for being honest...however some may not be able to understand how you feel, and others my agree that you're selfish....I don't believe that its a selfish feeling ...its loving as no one wants to watch their love one suffer. (I had a lot to say being speechless....but I just want you to know that I understand) .....totally.....
Denise,
I'm praying for you and your family
Wow that was odd. I just wrote an extremely long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn't show up.
Grrrr... well I'm not writing all that over again. Anyway, just
wanted to say great blog!
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