Selfish. That’s how I
feel when I think to myself I want my mom out of this misery. It’s misery.
I’m waiting for my mother to
die.
It’s my family and I gathering
around her hospice bed, looking at her, crying over her, praying for her, and
feeling sorry for her. We touch her,
hold her hands, run our fingers through her course hair, and stroke her cheek. We play music from her hay day, hoping she
enjoys the melody, hoping they are bringing to life some memory inside of her,
hoping for a sign that she enjoys this time we are with her.
I randomly whisper in her ear “I love you”, “You were a
great mother to me”, “I’m right here next to you”, and “I’m sorry this had to
happen to you mommy”. I can no longer
expect a response, I can only tell her things in hopes that she can understand
what it is I am doing. Inconsolably, I’m waiting for my mother to die.
My nightmares are no longer of what’s under the bed, or what’s
hiding in the closet, or of when the boogie man will strike. My nightmare is not necessarily at
“night”. What I fear is my telephone ringing;
I fear what I may hear on the other end.
It is a waiting game, a horrible, atrocious, ghastly waiting game that I
cannot stop at my leisure.
My thoughts regarding my mother these days are not of the good
times, or the wonderful memories, unfortunately. My thoughts bring tears, pain, and extreme
panic. My thoughts cannot move past the
image of her lying in bed unable to effectively communicate with her loved
ones. My thoughts….
My primary parent is leaving this earth sooner than later,
and this feeling is foreign for me. I
don’t know what to expect. My life will no longer be the same. This experience has PERMANENTLY changed the
fabric of what the rest of my life will be. All I know is my mother, her voice,
her touch, her smile, her laugh, her smell, her mannerisms.
I am ANGRY! I am HURTING! I want to SCREAM!!!! HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WHAT DO I DO? There is absolutely nothing I can do, but “Wait for my mother to die…..”
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in
me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told
you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for
you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be
also.
